Diary Lies

Let me tell you just how screw up I am right now.

C loves me, my dearest husband. And he has made every effort for us to stay together. He said: “I’ve changed my entire world and value for you.”

I feel his love. Not just simply ticking all the checklist of “how to be a perfect husband”. I actually feel his heart, his emotion, his feeling, which he had difficulties showing before.

It’s a good thing isn’t it? But there’s J.

The affair I had with J pushed me to make the decision leaving C.

I left my well paid position, beautiful apartment, sparkling social life in one country, and ran away to another country.

I wanted to see how it could have been for me. A different life. The second life.

Me leaving C has made him realized he wanted to be with me.

C came to the city for me and asked me to give him another chance.

We gave each other time and space. By doing so we’ve grown closer and closer.

I was happy the person I chose to spend my life with is back.

But J was still here. I didn’t know how to leave him.

J represented body. C represented mind.

These two men coexist in my life in the same time.

I had to tell too many lies.

When I was with J I was worried people might see us together.

When I was with C I was worried people might see us together.

I could not enjoy my life. I didn’t know which life I actually have. Which one I should live?

I guess I always knew that J has to go. Because he was the product of my unhappy marriage.

But it took a long time to let go of him.

Let’s hope this is the end end of the end.

Because I really do want my life back. I want a right one. Not a pretended one.

I want a life with my husband. I love him.

Dear Diary

Today I read an article from Glamour on the plane. The title of the article was "The guilty confessions of women who LIE".

It was reassuring to know that other women lie from time to time, or actually, most of the time. It made me feel normal.

There are a lot of reasons why people lie. I had a look of some of the reasons listed in the article:

• To make life easier or more interesting
• To appear more in control or more likeable
• To cover themselves
• To spare someone’s feelings

For me it could be all of above, or none of above. Simply because, I have no idea about myself, let alone the reasons I choose to lie.

Can a person “choose” to lie? Sometimes I think it’s more spontaneous. Lies just come out naturally. As if, they were the truth. And sometimes when we tell enough lies it become the reality. Because we actually are "living in lies".

Very existentialist belief.

I look at myself. Why do I lie? Is there any thing wrong with my life that I have to lie to make it better?

I am an executive who travels around internationally. I have a gorgeous husband who adores me dearly. I have a beautiful contemporary inner city apartment in one of the most desirable cities. I am still young and still turn heads.

And, I am not happy.