Diary Lies

Dear Diary

My first one night stand in Shanghai. It happened two nights ago.

It had a potential to be another affair but I guess he decided not to. "I'll call you." he said. But he didn't. Funny thing was, I also said to him "I'll email you" and the first thing I did when he walked out the room was to tear the piece of paper he noted down his contact details.

Perhaps we were just fulfilling what a good fling should do. Be polite. And leave.

I kind of liked him. A short, cute English man, in his mid-thirty but still had this boyish charm. And a master in going down on a woman. i.e. Me.

The last one night stand I had before this, was in Guangzhou. A short, cute Italian man, also in his mid-thirty. And a very fit body that seemed to last forever.

They came passing my life for a few hours and they disappeared. I wouldn't even bother to nickname them. I could hardly remember their faces.

They were just one of these faces. These faces that blurred together. Very vague. Hardly memorable. Just like the pleasure they gave me.

Pleasure, I couldn’t even be sure that I had receive any.

Dear Diary

Tomorrow at this time I will be in A’s city. I am flying out from Hong Kong just so I can be with him for less than 24 hours.

Crazy isn’t it. Yes. It is.

I don’t know what to expect for our rendezvous. I suspect it will be a proper closure for me, or at least I hope it will be. I can’t keep on putting myself on hold for this silly crush. This infatuation has lasted for too long.

“I’ll see you at the airport.” He said, “Can’t wait.”

Although this message came only after a few pathetic days’ wait, it put a smile on my face.

So I am flying there. I am going to leave my husband in the morning when he will be still in bed. I am not even going to give him a kiss goodbye. Instead I will fly to another man who is equally not in love with me .

Crazy. Isn’t it?

Dear Diary

C flew over to Hong Kong to spend some time with me. My dearest husband. The man I chose to spend the rest of my life with.

I went to the airport straight after a dinner with clients. Waited for him in the airport, I had a slim hope that by seeing him I would get some normality back. Victim of wishful thinking, I was. Because any expectation would always lead to some disappointments.

I felt even lonelier, with C right next to me. He was within reach but he was an ocean apart from me.

I looked at him, this beautifully well-mannered man with a gorgeous chiseled face. The man I should desire but I am no longer. And it’s because, he no longer desires me.

In C’s eyes I am not a woman. Not an attractive woman anyway. He does not look at me and instantly wants to grab me for a kiss. He is too familiar with my body, thin or curve, he has been through all those stages with me. When I am fully made up I am as invisible as when I am naked in front of him.

I turn heads when I walk on the street. I attract people’s second glance. I just don’t get these attentions from C.

It’s disappointed that I could only obtain certain confidence as a woman through other people, other people than my husband.

Lying down on the king size bed in the hotel suite with C next to me, I cried myself asleep. I fell into this dark and gloomy space, drifting.

And that’s when I realised my normality was actually an agony.