Diary Lies

Dear Diary

D was my older lover in his 40s. It’s odd to use the past tense to describe a recent lover. Because, it just ended a few days ago.

I was glad that it was him who ended it. Delighted even. I hate being “the one who left”. Yes. Even affairs have some moral restraints. Because we are already this bad we have to save grace from being holy.

A holy lover by definition, is a person who gives all the trusts, the tenderness, the compassion, the understanding, the affection, and most importantly, the naivety of believing “one day it will happen for us”.

He went away with guilt that he chose to leave me for another woman. He thought he had broken my heart. He was tainted and I became holy in this story of us. But in fact, not quite.

D was not a nice-looking man. Not unpleasant but there was nothing striking about him. So what was the reason for me to be with him? It was because, very simply because, he had a similar chin and thin lips that resemble the smirk like my ex-lover, E.

The best way to erase a face is to wipe it with another face. Therefore D existed in my life, for the reason he would never ever know, that he was, just a person who resumed a position in my unfinished dream.