Diary Lies

Today

2009-11-06T19:41:59+08:00

It is today he finally hates me.

Two years to date.

I whispered "thank you" to myself when I read his text message.

He was deliberately cruel, mean, and hurtful.

I wonder how much of his words were true.

So maybe it is today we get to finish it.

I didn't tell you I dreamt of him last night. We were holding hand, heading towards a carnival.

I was happy. Vaguely.

My life so far

2008-12-22T07:01:10+08:00

Let me tell you just how screw up I am right now.

C loves me, my dearest husband. And he has made every effort for us to stay together. He said: “I’ve changed my entire world and value for you.”

I feel his love. Not just simply ticking all the checklist of “how to be a perfect husband”. I actually feel his heart, his emotion, his feeling, which he had difficulties showing before.

It’s a good thing isn’t it? But there’s J.

The affair I had with J pushed me to make the decision leaving C.

I left my well paid position, beautiful apartment, sparkling social life in one country, and ran away to another country.

I wanted to see how it could have been for me. A different life. The second life.

Me leaving C has made him realized he wanted to be with me.

C came to the city for me and asked me to give him another chance.

We gave each other time and space. By doing so we’ve grown closer and closer.

I was happy the person I chose to spend my life with is back.

But J was still here. I didn’t know how to leave him.

J represented body. C represented mind.

These two men coexist in my life in the same time.

I had to tell too many lies.

When I was with J I was worried people might see us together.

When I was with C I was worried people might see us together.

I could not enjoy my life. I didn’t know which life I actually have. Which one I should live?

I guess I always knew that J has to go. Because he was the product of my unhappy marriage.

But it took a long time to let go of him.

Let’s hope this is the end end of the end.

Because I really do want my life back. I want a right one. Not a pretended one.

I want a life with my husband. I love him.

The power of, what?

2008-12-22T06:21:52+08:00

Dear Diary,

How do you explain this feeling?

You don’t have feeling for this person anymore. You don't enjoy his presence.

You asked him to go and he did.

You didn’t even cry.

You watched Sex and the City rerun on TV and still enjoyed it immensely.

You know you’ve med the right decision.

You congratulate yourself making it for the first night alone without him.

And now you start to feel lonely, a hint of sadness, and an urge to be with someone. And that someone could be him.

This is the process of dealing with grief. Not taking any pain killer. Not trying to sooth my pain by having him back.

I don’t want to be with him anyway.

And that’s the problem. People stay together for the wrong reason.

“Let’s live for the moment. We’ll deal with our issues later.”

So what is the most powerful tool to deal with this? The power of now? Or the power of, what?

Victim of Wishful Thinking

2008-07-06T23:10:59+08:00

Dear Diary,

Am I glad that it’s over? How many time exactly I said to myself that it had to be the last time and I betrayed my own judgement? And how can I know that this time is different from any other time?

The difference is, this time I left because I knew that we wanted different things. Whatever we were sharing together wasn’t enough to sustain a relationship.

I didn’t like the person I was when I was with J.

Insecure. Demanding. Wanting constant reassurance.

I am an insecure person. I’ve learnt that about myself a long time ago. But being with him only made it worse. Sometimes I even wondered if I really did ask too much. What I wanted in a relationship couldn’t be any further from what he could comprehend. What I saw as reasonable and understanding acts, to him, were the ridiculous band-aid fix for my insecurity.

We couldn’t ask the other person to change, yet no one wanted to change ourselves.

This relationship had come to this because, simply, we were not compatible. In the end, after all the movie like ups and downs, it was really the mediocre reason that broken us. Nothing dramatic.

So am I glad it’s finally over? No I am not. I wished it could go the other way. I wished that we could be the one for each other and live happily-ever-after. But after all this time I realised something – sometimes it is only the image of how it could be that attracts us into a relationship. We are only the victims of wishful thinking.

And it’s ok to let go.

End of the World

2008-05-20T18:59:55+08:00

I’ve been thinking about what J said. He said “This is it. The last of me.” And these words just get repeated in my mind all the time.

I am learning how to grieve. This is the grieving process. I need to learn to let go. I need to accept that once a person leaves my life that’s it. Like death. This person no longer exists.

But of course he does. He is just one phone call away.

We are living in the same city. I walk on the streets that we once walked together. And this city can be so huge it can be so small. Huge enough that if we pay attention we won’t bump into each other ever again. Small enough that if one of us chooses to see each other we can easily pick the time and date and place to intentionally come across each other.

I thought about how two worlds could just collide, and then drift apart.

How a person was the universe of the other person’s and the next minute it’s all gone. Life goes on.

Suddenly it reminded me a song. “The End of the World” is says:

Why does the sun go on shining
Why does the sea rush to shore
Don't they know it's the end of the world
'Cause you don't love me any more

Why do the birds go on singing
Why do the stars glow above
Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when I lost your love

I wake up in the morning and I wonder
Why everything's the same as it was
I can't understand, no, I can't understand
How life goes on the way it does

Why does my heart go on beating
Why do these eyes of mine cry
Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when you said goodbye

Why does my heart go on beating
Why do these eyes of mine cry
Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when you said goodbye

Was it, the End of the World for him?

The last goodbye

2008-05-20T15:29:55+08:00

Dear Diary

He said, this is it. This is the last of me.

He carried all his belongings in a bag, slowly walked out the door, and turned to look at me in the eyes. I said, goodbye, J. He cried. And he waived goodbye.

Then he disappeared.

This has to be the one last time.

I asked J to leave me. Because I can’t give him what he wants. He can’t give me what I want. I don’t know what I want and I don’t know if I want him.

He was one of these cycles that I was incapable to break. I was always in two relationships at least, and when the primary one didn’t work or finally ended, I ran straight into the back up one.

J was part of the cycle. If I stayed with him I would stayed with this cycle. I would do the same thing “starting new” and tried and work on something that was full of deceptions right from the beginning.

And I would hurt him more than what he felt right now.

I broke his heart. And I am not even sure if I had broken mine.

What I want

2008-04-29T22:48:40+08:00

Dear Diary

Today for the first time, I ended a relationship. I said to my dearest husband: “I want a separation.”

I want a separation. I want to separate myself from lies. From living in multiple lives. From playing a role in a seemly ideal life.

My wish was granted.