Diary Lies

Let me tell you just how screw up I am right now.

C loves me, my dearest husband. And he has made every effort for us to stay together. He said: “I’ve changed my entire world and value for you.”

I feel his love. Not just simply ticking all the checklist of “how to be a perfect husband”. I actually feel his heart, his emotion, his feeling, which he had difficulties showing before.

It’s a good thing isn’t it? But there’s J.

The affair I had with J pushed me to make the decision leaving C.

I left my well paid position, beautiful apartment, sparkling social life in one country, and ran away to another country.

I wanted to see how it could have been for me. A different life. The second life.

Me leaving C has made him realized he wanted to be with me.

C came to the city for me and asked me to give him another chance.

We gave each other time and space. By doing so we’ve grown closer and closer.

I was happy the person I chose to spend my life with is back.

But J was still here. I didn’t know how to leave him.

J represented body. C represented mind.

These two men coexist in my life in the same time.

I had to tell too many lies.

When I was with J I was worried people might see us together.

When I was with C I was worried people might see us together.

I could not enjoy my life. I didn’t know which life I actually have. Which one I should live?

I guess I always knew that J has to go. Because he was the product of my unhappy marriage.

But it took a long time to let go of him.

Let’s hope this is the end end of the end.

Because I really do want my life back. I want a right one. Not a pretended one.

I want a life with my husband. I love him.