Diary Lies

Dear Diary,

Am I glad that it’s over? How many time exactly I said to myself that it had to be the last time and I betrayed my own judgement? And how can I know that this time is different from any other time?

The difference is, this time I left because I knew that we wanted different things. Whatever we were sharing together wasn’t enough to sustain a relationship.

I didn’t like the person I was when I was with J.

Insecure. Demanding. Wanting constant reassurance.

I am an insecure person. I’ve learnt that about myself a long time ago. But being with him only made it worse. Sometimes I even wondered if I really did ask too much. What I wanted in a relationship couldn’t be any further from what he could comprehend. What I saw as reasonable and understanding acts, to him, were the ridiculous band-aid fix for my insecurity.

We couldn’t ask the other person to change, yet no one wanted to change ourselves.

This relationship had come to this because, simply, we were not compatible. In the end, after all the movie like ups and downs, it was really the mediocre reason that broken us. Nothing dramatic.

So am I glad it’s finally over? No I am not. I wished it could go the other way. I wished that we could be the one for each other and live happily-ever-after. But after all this time I realised something – sometimes it is only the image of how it could be that attracts us into a relationship. We are only the victims of wishful thinking.

And it’s ok to let go.