Diary Lies

Dear Diary

He said, this is it. This is the last of me.

He carried all his belongings in a bag, slowly walked out the door, and turned to look at me in the eyes. I said, goodbye, J. He cried. And he waived goodbye.

Then he disappeared.

This has to be the one last time.

I asked J to leave me. Because I can’t give him what he wants. He can’t give me what I want. I don’t know what I want and I don’t know if I want him.

He was one of these cycles that I was incapable to break. I was always in two relationships at least, and when the primary one didn’t work or finally ended, I ran straight into the back up one.

J was part of the cycle. If I stayed with him I would stayed with this cycle. I would do the same thing “starting new” and tried and work on something that was full of deceptions right from the beginning.

And I would hurt him more than what he felt right now.

I broke his heart. And I am not even sure if I had broken mine.