Diary Lies

Dear Diary

Today for the first time, I ended a relationship. I said to my dearest husband: “I want a separation.”

I want a separation. I want to separate myself from lies. From living in multiple lives. From playing a role in a seemly ideal life.

My wish was granted.

Dear Diary

Today my dearest husband said to me: “Well I did my best. If that's not good enough it's time for both of us to move on.”

He typed these simple words in a chat, followed by “I'll talk to you later.” Then he disappeared.

It didn’t hurt my heart. I didn’t experience the pain that I have encountered before. What I felt was some kind of irritation as if someone was squeezing my heart in an uncomfortable way.

How I thought it was a comfortable relationship.

It is never good enough. It doesn’t even matter if he tries. And he never does anyway.

I remember attending a marketing conference once and at a workshop the facilitator said to us “good enough is not enough.” He said, “Good enough can never make your customers satisfied.”

Maybe that also applies to relationships.

Good enough is not enough. How funny. Because if all he thinks he can take this relationship to a place that is good enough, then we have a problem.

I am not sure who the victim is anymore.

Living with him is comfortable. As I've said it is never passionate. But comfortable.

“He is a good person” that’s how I describe him when people ask.

And this good person is a good companion.

I thought it was good enough. I thought it was good enough. I thought it was.

I chose him to be my husband and it was a deliberate decision. I chose to stay with him even when I knew I was not 100% happy with him. I chose to cure my loneliness from how he never desired me by having affairs with other men.

I chose him because I thought the life with him was comfortable and stable, both financially and emotionally. I didn’t need to worry about money and I didn’t need to worry about going through the emotional rollercoaster when one’s in love.

On paper he’s got everything. He is a man who would satisfy any checklist for an ideal husband. And I wish I could love him more. But again, have I ever loved him?

At this point of time I don’t know what’s best for me what’s not. Maybe I never have a clue and that’s why I am in this mess.

Maybe really, it’s about time to move on. Maybe what I need is more than just comfortable.

Because after all, I can be comfortable with myself.

Dear Diary

All the excitements and pleasure have subsided. It all started when J said to me with a convincing voice: “I love you.”

So was it a game for me? Was the reason that I had lasted in this relationship with him for this long just because I wanted to win the game?

Was I hypochondriac when I felt that excruciating pain when he tried to leave me?

Have I really loved him? Have I ever loved him?

Have I ever, really loved?

I am confused.