Diary Lies

Dear Diary

J’s call was expected. And it rang just before noon, as he promised. “I think we should meet up and talk about it in person.” He said. “I can be ready in about an hour.”

So I went, thinking, it was a proper closure for us. We had to do this face to face, not on the phone.

But it didn’t end. It got restarted again. Or at least, for as long as it could be. For as long as it should be.

It was not meant to be anyway. And it was the reason I chose him.

Yes. I chose him.

Several years younger than me. An exchange student from overseas. A definite expiry date on his visa. A girlfriend back home. And at the life stage that he won’t want to commit in anything. All of these made him a perfect candidate as my lover.

I didn’t want to have flings. Flings were too easy to have. I wasn’t satisfied with the casual sexual encounter. I wanted to fall in love. And I wanted to fall within a controlled environment.

How arrogant I was, thinking that I could fall in a controlled environment? You can never fall without losing your mind.

And so in a short period of time, because I thought I was not going to fall in an unhealthy way, I actually gave all I had to J.

So when he said “Why don’t we stay together for the moment?” I realized he was the one who’s been very sober.

He knows that the moment he leaves this country, that the story of us will end.

He knows that he will go back and resume his life. And it’s always easier for the person who’s not being left behind.

He knows that he has all the potential and possibilities waiting ahead of him. And I was not included in all those things.

I was back to his arms tonight. The same way I chose him, I chose to go ahead with what we have left.

The story will end this way, in his term. I will still have his arms around me for a few more nights. He will still call me baby adoringly and give me kisses on my forehead. We will still hold hands and exchange glances with a secret smile. We will still make love and we will still lose ourselves in each other.

I will give him as much as I can possibly give. Because to me, there is no tomorrow after the end comes.