Diary Lies

Dear Diary

I called J back. Being weak and vulnerable I was the one who wanted to hear him again.

I looked frantically for his number. And I found his landline. I stared at the number for hours before I dialed those eight digits.

He answered with a cheerful voice. J stated his name. And I replied in silence.

“…Hello, it’s me.” I finally breathed.

“Oh.” he said.

It’s silly. What was I expecting? Him feeling sad and gloomy like the way I feel right now? Like me taking a day off from work? Like me not being able to think or do anything? Of course not.

He said once he decide this is it then this, is it.

So on the other line of the phone he was cold and rational. Rational is a good thing. He was being reasonable. And I was not.

I wanted this to end. But I couldn’t. I just need him to push me more. More. More. More. Push me more. Hurt me more. Take my dignity away. Trash it. Tell me it’s not going to happen. Tell me I am not worth it. Tell me this doesn’t mean anything to him. Tell me he is leaving me for sure and he never wants to see me again.

And I will continue begging. I will continue telling him that I love him and tell him not to leave me.

And he will continue pushing me away. he will feel for me less and less until, I become a nuisance.

And this love story will finally turn into a horror story.

And finally no one would want to remember it. No one will.