Diary Lies

Dear Diary

“Goodbye.” J said, followed by my name. And that crisp click sound indicated that the phone connection ended.

We, ended.

I erased J’s number immediately. Any trace that could lead me calling him back, I erased them straight away. Only if I could erase him from my heart as simple as pushing the delete button.

Yes. I provoked J. I pushed him to the edge. To the moment that he could honestly say “It’s not worthy” and move on. So J can move on, back to where he belongs. Back to his world. Back to the place that I should not and would not exist.

It’s the best for us. For J, and for me.

Call me selfish.

I tried to locate some unpleasant memories of us, of J. Hoping that would help me suffer less. Because, at least, I could say “it wasn’t all rosy”. But I simply could not find anything bad about J. Nothing, really, ridiculously, nothing about us was unpleasant. All I could find was happy memories, those happy time that we shared together.

Content. Delighted. Blissful. Ecstatic.

Deliriously Happy.

He made me happy. And he no longer exists in my world. My happiness has gone.

J said that it’s too much of the responsibility to make a person happy. And he was right. I should search for my happiness myself. And how ironic if in the end I find that what we had shared actually was the happiness I had been looking for?

I called his name countless time in my heart. His capital letter. It is marked deep inside me.

He has taken part of my heart. It’s gone with him

Love. Why does it need to be so painful? Love. I don’t understand. Let it hurt I said. Let it hurt. Because if you have never been hurt you have never really lived. And today, I have truly lived.

I want to go on a journey looking for us. A conclusion.

From where we first met, to the café we went to, to the ice-cream place where we had our first conversation where he touched my heart for the first time. I will then fly to that city where everything started, I will request for the room we once stayed, I will walk on the streets we once walked on, go to the café and restaurant we shared food together… I will then come back to this side of the world, I will go to the places that he took me to, and I will drive pass the place he temporarily called it home…

I will do all these because he is so close to my heart. I can do this alone because when I close my eyes I see him.

I see him. And I see him leaving me, walking away from me. I see him being happier. And I see myself being happier, knowing that I have done the right thing.