Diary Lies

Dear Diary

C flew over to Hong Kong to spend some time with me. My dearest husband. The man I chose to spend the rest of my life with.

I went to the airport straight after a dinner with clients. Waited for him in the airport, I had a slim hope that by seeing him I would get some normality back. Victim of wishful thinking, I was. Because any expectation would always lead to some disappointments.

I felt even lonelier, with C right next to me. He was within reach but he was an ocean apart from me.

I looked at him, this beautifully well-mannered man with a gorgeous chiseled face. The man I should desire but I am no longer. And it’s because, he no longer desires me.

In C’s eyes I am not a woman. Not an attractive woman anyway. He does not look at me and instantly wants to grab me for a kiss. He is too familiar with my body, thin or curve, he has been through all those stages with me. When I am fully made up I am as invisible as when I am naked in front of him.

I turn heads when I walk on the street. I attract people’s second glance. I just don’t get these attentions from C.

It’s disappointed that I could only obtain certain confidence as a woman through other people, other people than my husband.

Lying down on the king size bed in the hotel suite with C next to me, I cried myself asleep. I fell into this dark and gloomy space, drifting.

And that’s when I realised my normality was actually an agony.