Diary Lies

Dear Diary

Tomorrow at this time I will be in A’s city. I am flying out from Hong Kong just so I can be with him for less than 24 hours.

Crazy isn’t it. Yes. It is.

I don’t know what to expect for our rendezvous. I suspect it will be a proper closure for me, or at least I hope it will be. I can’t keep on putting myself on hold for this silly crush. This infatuation has lasted for too long.

“I’ll see you at the airport.” He said, “Can’t wait.”

Although this message came only after a few pathetic days’ wait, it put a smile on my face.

So I am flying there. I am going to leave my husband in the morning when he will be still in bed. I am not even going to give him a kiss goodbye. Instead I will fly to another man who is equally not in love with me .

Crazy. Isn’t it?

Dear Diary

Two days have passed and my phone has been silent. Just when I had nearly given up hope on a call from A, the phone rang.

my phone had been silent. Just when I thought I could give up hope on receiving A’s call, the phone rang.

“Hey, it’s me.” He said, “How are you?”

How am I? I wanted to say “No I am not fine. I am miserable. I am in a terrible state because I am thinking of you all the time.” But I didn’t say it. Instead, I answered as if I couldn’t care less: “I am fine. You?”

He was unavailable for two days because he had to have a small operation, he said. He got injured in one of the games and now the games were over he needed to fix those problems.

I know about his injury. I also know about why he was unavailable.

A is married. With children.

I know. I googled him.

It was not difficult at all to find information about him. A few keywords combined with the name of his team, A turned into pages of Google Search. This man even has his own wikipedia page.

And this man said, “I have a crush on you.”

I wondered if it was because of his fame that made me wanted to be with him. No it cannot be. Because I had no idea about him before he entered into my life, that faithful 9 hours.

It was his whispers, his beautiful smiles, his hands that grabbed me closer to him, his lips, the way he kissed; it was…it was because on that day when we were naked in front of each other he somehow left a mark on me without penetrating me.

We talked very briefly before he hung up the phone. “Alright, I gotta go.” He said, “I miss you.”

There. He’s done it again.

Dear Dairy

A said he would call me today. Of course he didn’t. This is what happened when you start falling for someone.

I sense this is bigger than a crush. And I let it happen. Deliberately.

I have been thinking about him, you know, since that morning he left my hotel room. Perhaps it was like an episode that I didn’t get to see the ending that I kept on thinking about it. Or perhaps it’s because I have not felt my heart filling with such a bittersweet for a long, long, long time.

When was the last time I felt it? It was with E. And that was, a long time ago.

No A is not E. He cannot be. E’s face has been replaced by D. I have finally overcome my shadow. I am no longer a lingering ghost in my past. Or am I?

Am I searching for the slightest resemblance of E from all the men I’ve been with?

Am I actually looking for him knowing I would never, ever, ever, be with him again?

Dear Diary

A called me. Right after I finished watching his game on TV.

My phone rang exactly at the moment when the game ended. I knew it was him because only he would call me at this hour. It has become a ritual for us to talk every night just before midnight.

“Hey it’s me,” he said, “remember me?” He had a smiling voice.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“I just finished the game.” He said.

…and he called me.

Dear Diary

I want to talk about A more. The truth is, I have been thinking about him.

This is a very strange situation for me. This man was in my life for nine hours only and six of them I was asleep. It makes no sense at all for me to think about him like that way I do now. Almost like a teenage crush.

This, is bad.

Dear Diary

Yes I knew A was a playboy. But I went along with it. I was expecting him being a player but at least with some class. Of course I didn't expect that he would disappear just like that.

He has been chasing me for a while. Three months to be exact. He said "I had a crush on you" and I had butterflies in my stomach when he said that. Silly me. But I liked that. I liked the feeling being wanted. And that was it; I let him into my private life.

Nice body I must say. And a great kisser. He definitely knew how to seduce women. I let him seduce me and that was very sensual. But somehow what I wanted was some tenderness. I was looking for a person who could hug me during the night. A shoulder I could rest on. I wasn't looking for a steaming sex session so in the end I didn't let him have me.

I wonder if it was because I didn't let him so he disappeared. But he did offer me what I wanted: He hugged me the whole night and I felt asleep in his arms.

I woke up in the morning and saw him off. He leaned and kissed me. Somehow I had a feeling I won't be seeing him again and I was right.

Strangely, being left along like that feels like a break-up. And a broken heart.