Diary Lies

Let me tell you just how screw up I am right now.

C loves me, my dearest husband. And he has made every effort for us to stay together. He said: “I’ve changed my entire world and value for you.”

I feel his love. Not just simply ticking all the checklist of “how to be a perfect husband”. I actually feel his heart, his emotion, his feeling, which he had difficulties showing before.

It’s a good thing isn’t it? But there’s J.

The affair I had with J pushed me to make the decision leaving C.

I left my well paid position, beautiful apartment, sparkling social life in one country, and ran away to another country.

I wanted to see how it could have been for me. A different life. The second life.

Me leaving C has made him realized he wanted to be with me.

C came to the city for me and asked me to give him another chance.

We gave each other time and space. By doing so we’ve grown closer and closer.

I was happy the person I chose to spend my life with is back.

But J was still here. I didn’t know how to leave him.

J represented body. C represented mind.

These two men coexist in my life in the same time.

I had to tell too many lies.

When I was with J I was worried people might see us together.

When I was with C I was worried people might see us together.

I could not enjoy my life. I didn’t know which life I actually have. Which one I should live?

I guess I always knew that J has to go. Because he was the product of my unhappy marriage.

But it took a long time to let go of him.

Let’s hope this is the end end of the end.

Because I really do want my life back. I want a right one. Not a pretended one.

I want a life with my husband. I love him.

Dear Diary,

How do you explain this feeling?

You don’t have feeling for this person anymore. You don't enjoy his presence.

You asked him to go and he did.

You didn’t even cry.

You watched Sex and the City rerun on TV and still enjoyed it immensely.

You know you’ve med the right decision.

You congratulate yourself making it for the first night alone without him.

And now you start to feel lonely, a hint of sadness, and an urge to be with someone. And that someone could be him.

This is the process of dealing with grief. Not taking any pain killer. Not trying to sooth my pain by having him back.

I don’t want to be with him anyway.

And that’s the problem. People stay together for the wrong reason.

“Let’s live for the moment. We’ll deal with our issues later.”

So what is the most powerful tool to deal with this? The power of now? Or the power of, what?

Dear Diary,

Am I glad that it’s over? How many time exactly I said to myself that it had to be the last time and I betrayed my own judgement? And how can I know that this time is different from any other time?

The difference is, this time I left because I knew that we wanted different things. Whatever we were sharing together wasn’t enough to sustain a relationship.

I didn’t like the person I was when I was with J.

Insecure. Demanding. Wanting constant reassurance.

I am an insecure person. I’ve learnt that about myself a long time ago. But being with him only made it worse. Sometimes I even wondered if I really did ask too much. What I wanted in a relationship couldn’t be any further from what he could comprehend. What I saw as reasonable and understanding acts, to him, were the ridiculous band-aid fix for my insecurity.

We couldn’t ask the other person to change, yet no one wanted to change ourselves.

This relationship had come to this because, simply, we were not compatible. In the end, after all the movie like ups and downs, it was really the mediocre reason that broken us. Nothing dramatic.

So am I glad it’s finally over? No I am not. I wished it could go the other way. I wished that we could be the one for each other and live happily-ever-after. But after all this time I realised something – sometimes it is only the image of how it could be that attracts us into a relationship. We are only the victims of wishful thinking.

And it’s ok to let go.