Diary Lies

After all these years I finally went back to the folder that stored all your words.

 

I read your words right from the beginning of our tortured love affair.

 

It took me back to the time that I lived for love.

 

I lived for you.

 

I tried to erase you with other men. But none of the attempts succeeded.

 

Until I met J.

 

J replaced you as my tortured love affair. We both burnt passionately but devastatingly.

 

And I realised, J was me. And I was you.

 

I just repeated the relationship I had with you, with J. Only this time, the roles are reversed.

 

How scary, my dearest dearest you, that after all these years, I still have not been able to escape you?

If you don’t have me in your heart. You show it.

If you do, you won’t make me worried about you.

 

I’ve done the same to you. It is only fair.

But you know in a relationship there shouldn’t be any saying like “it’s fair" "it’s not fair”. It should be just you and me. There's no one else to judge.

 

We never have a real relationship. It was way for me to see “what if” and I got involved too deep. If anything I’ve done the wrong thing by you. And by him.

 

Thank you for giving me a chance to fall back in love with him. Thank you.

 

I don’t think goodbye is necessary. I’ll just let it flow. Let you leave me which is what I have always intended to do. This time you will be the person who gives up on us. So there’s no regret.

 

You will go, knowing that you are the winner.

 

I will go, knowing I haven’t lost anything.

 

 

It is today he finally hates me.

Two years to date.

I whispered "thank you" to myself when I read his text message.

He was deliberately cruel, mean, and hurtful.

I wonder how much of his words were true.

So maybe it is today we get to finish it.

I didn't tell you I dreamt of him last night. We were holding hand, heading towards a carnival.

I was happy. Vaguely.